Let’s jump right into it, shall we?

Back on the dating scene again, and it still sucks. A lot of these Japanese girls need a serious attitude adjustment, or at least a firm talking to. Too many foreign guys are acting like wet paper towels by letting these girls get away with too much nonsense, and I know you know what I am talking about. Social conventions and cultural characteristics aside, these chicks are pissing me off.. Single exactly 3 months, I am fed up.

‘Sumimasen’ your damn self. Act right. Male/female relationships are hard enough as it is. We’re from Mars, they’re from Venus, or who knows really where women are from. It’s hard to get together, like my man Deadly says, throw in the different cultures and different expectations and look out she’s about to blow!!  No, I don’t mean it like that. Get your head out of the gutter.

Look. I am no Prince Charming. In fact, some of my ex-es want me dead. But at least they want me. Japanese women seem to feel they have no obligation whatsoever to stick to plans, call when they say they will, be where they said they’d be, explain why they came on so strong upon first meeting you, and then suddenly vanishing into the mist, be clear about their intentions even remotely, or explain any of their actions or non-actions or anything they’ve said, nor, any of their hints, guesses or behavior. I had one girl tell me there was a cockroach in her room, this was a cue for me to come over and be romantic with her, I should have known, would you have? This was after she had broken it off with me. Ne. Mind reading in Japanese? Come on man. I’m learning, but I blew that one. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

Never.

So, I’ve compiled a short list of certain “characters” in order for you to identify who it is you’re dealing with at any given time. I’m sure there are a thousand others, this is my list, if you’ve got more, send them in and we’ll print them up, or at least, throw them up on the website.

For the record, I’m not saying us foreign guys are perfect. Far from it, most of us are juvenile delinquents posing as English teachers, there, I said it, but for the most part, we’re simple, we’re just not smart enough to come up with all the games and oddball tactics it seems these J-Girls display, we want hot ramen and that’s about it. Capiche?

Along with the description, I’m including a subjective score-guide that relates to the chances for you and said female to have a fulfilling relationship. A = Great Possibility for a decent relationship, he shoots he scores! B = Nice Chance, Go for it, if it doesn’t work out completely, could be fun at least. C= Well, can she cook? Does she have a car? D= You’re probably better off by yourself, and F= Run. Fast. Now. Far.

Remember, this list is no way exhaustive of all the different types of women you’ll encounter “out there”, and the grading guide is also completely subjective. Hell, you might like women who complain about everything, all the time, constantly, one mans zero is another mans 10, or something like that…

Onto the List then:

Come on, you’ve met her. She approaches you eagerly, “…Hi, I’m Tomoko/Atsuko/Yuko/Junko/Pluto…”, whatever, (ever notice no Japanese girls’ names start with “B”? or “Q”? or “X”? What’s with that?)—“..nice to meet you..”, she says. She’s all bright and bubbly, like a glass of Nihonjin pink champale, genki beyond belief. She speaks English, or so you think. You chat her up a bit, exchange info, and set a date to meet again. You hook up with The English Champion, only to discover that on your FIRST MEETING, she exhausted her supply of limited English, and YOU’RE HER NEW TEACHER. You spend the entire evening explaining your every word and gesturing like a madman and asking and answering questions like, “what food do you like “ over and over again. You realize you’re just teaching elementary school, and wonder why you aren’t getting paid for it. Sure, she’s cute, but then again, so are hamsters, and you don’t date hamsters do you? It’s frustrating, and you fell for it. Next time, upon first meeting, find out her English level by bringing along a game of Scrabble wherever you go, sure it’s bulky, but it works.

You hate her, but you like her. Maybe, you can’t remember. You met her like, 3 months ago. Sparks, or something akin to sparks, flew at that first meeting. You excitedly exchanged info. You’ve been emailing back and forth now for what seems like eternity. You can barely remember what she looks like anymore. Your fingers hurt. You’ve asked her to meet you out in person 348 times already. She doesn’t acknowledge your requests, or always cancels that same day. You know you’re acting like a complete moron, but you don’t care. You simultaneously cringe and get excited every time your phone alerts you that she’s mailed you yet again. She won’t stop, and, like P Diddy, you can’t stop/won’t stop yourself.. It’s driving you crazy, but she seems to relish the whole drawn out, useless, empty, maddening and brain-frying cyber-romance you’re having. You mail her immediately after receiving her mails, but she takes hours, sometimes days to mail you back. You crave those mails, and as much as you hate them, you know it’s all you’ll ever get from her, and you need them. Just when you think she won’t ever mail you again, your stupid phone lights up, letting you know she’s hooked you back into it one more time. You hate her, but you need her.

Look, I’m no genius, but at least I know what I like. I’ve been out with too many women here who, upon you asking, “..what food do you like..”, which itself is a silly question, or, “..what music do you like..”, or, “..what do you like doing..”, I get that infamously annoying, “..ehhhhhhhhhhh?”, as if the thought never entered their minds. I mean, it leaves me wondering what exactly to Japanese dudes talk about with Japanese women? I know they aren’t discussing politics or philosophy. Come on J-girls, you don’t know what food you like? Are you serious? What tastes good in your mouth? What do you find yourself eating often? JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, is it really so hard? Please, let’s not even get into more difficult questions like, “..what are your dreams..”, I can see bubbles coming out of their ears for questions like this.

She’s there when you need her, and she’s there when you don’t. She calls you incessantly, and will-not-leave-you-alone. Your friends are wondering if you’ve grown a new body part, but no, it’s just your girlfriend. You wonder how she ever had a life without you; she seems to live, breathe, eat, think, speak and dream you and only you. She is crowding out your hobbies, friends, and your oxygen. She gives new meaning to the song “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”. She shows up at the most inopportune times and is a bit like a rash. She’s up under you 24-7 and it’s KILLING YOU. She stands so close to you that sometimes you step on her, or accidentally elbow her in her nose or neck, which of course, she doesn’t mind. She’s reading this over your shoulder right now, you couldn’t get rid of her if you were a murderer, but you’re thinking about it..

The following is a true story.

A friend of mine was seeing a J-girl for a short while. Things were going smoothly, or sort of smoothly anyway. One day, they’re having a phone conversation, J-girls English wasn’t great, and so, Our Hero asked politely, “..excuse me, can you speak up a bit? I can’t really hear you…”, to which, J-girl responded, “..what? You know what, I don’t think this is working out, I think we should stop seeing each other..”, and promptly hung up and never called Our Hero again.  (*I'll 'fess up; Our Hero is ME! And I couldn't make this up if I tried...  --Ed.)

Huh?

How about this one; another friend recently told me about a girl who absolutely freaked out because he didn’t like hot sauce. I kid you not. Fickle much?

Then there are the women who, in the beginning, find you attractive because you are foreign, but, 3 or 4 months into the relationship, they’re imploring you to “..be more Japanese..”, “..learn more Japanese..”, or openly insulting your home country and culture, those very things that brought you together in the first place.

In the immortal words of Ralph Kramden, “..to the moon Alice, to the moon..”

 

You know her, or at least you thought you did. Things were going great, or at least, again, you thought they were. It’s happened too many times to count since I’ve been here. Meet a woman, share some (what you think and what seems to be) great times. Everything you’ve done together, she’s been a willing and eager participant. She’s never registered one iota of reservation about anything you’ve suggested, never uttered a word of discontent or dissatisfaction, never even frowned. You’ve been having a great time with her, so why has she suddenly vanished? Won’t return my calls, won’t return my mails, she’s disappeared into the mist. What. The. Hell.

This, alas, is a typical J-girl move which could mean one of any number of things. It could mean she liked you, but didn’t like you that much. It could mean she liked you too much, and got scared of her own feelings, and so instead of dealing with it, she decided to just let it go, it would never fit with the neatly prescribed life that her society has ordained her to have (!) It could mean she noticed a piece of spinach in your teeth one day after dinner, and just couldn’t handle it. It could mean she was only spending time with you to get back at her husband/family/boyfriend/job/friends/etc, and now, she’s sufficiently done her duty and it’s time for her to move on. It could mean she was recalled back to the factory for upgrades and improvements. Who knows really. But one thing is clear, she is GONE AND NOT COMING BACK.  (It also could mean that you told her to talk louder into the phone! --Ed.)

Damn, she’s fine! Or better spoken, she appears to be fine. In all my years I have never met a woman better at self-improvement with make up, clothes, accessories and curling irons than The Japanese Woman. These women sure know how to work with what they have, and, what they don’t have. False eyelashes, smothered on foundation, hair attachments, fake nails and painted on eyebrows, man, everyday is Halloween here! She’s painted, padded, plucked, polished, packaged and prepared.

Case in point: You get her home, and you’re rounding the bases. First base! Nice kiss, the lipstick comes off, but it’s all good, all women wear lipstick, but why is her skin suddenly two different tones? –and where did that other eyelash go? Weird.. Second base, uh, well, a padded bra? Hm. Well, I guess it’s okay, but damn, I didn’t know they made padded bras this padded. Third base, hm, the plot thickens-she seemed like she weighed at least a little more than a 9 year old boy when she had clothes on, didn’t she? This is becoming interesting, headed home, and you realize, wait a minute, is this the same person I was with a few hours ago? It’s like unwrapping a mummy, she’s almost not even there anymore! The deed is done, and you wake up the next morning wondering who is this person laying next to me and how did she get into my house?

It seemed like a really good idea. She liked beautiful women and so do you. She had an insatiable sex drive and so do you. She wanted to have an open relationship and so do you. She was adventurous and outdoorsy and liberated and sensual and so infuriatingly annoying you wanted to kill her with your bare hands.

What were you thinking man? A bi-sexual Japanese girl? Really? Take all the hang-ups and issues a straight J-girl has, and multiply them by a thousand. Thought your straight girlfriend was flaky, finicky, weird, and more than a little touched? Man, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Imagine a woman taking a few dozen extra estrogen pills everyday. What might be the outcome? We can only imagine, better yet, don’t.

A bi J-girl?

HA.

Grade D. The first few months are exhilarating, followed by another few months of pure emotional and mental hell. Imagine a relationship with a cat, or 12 cats.

She loves Disney a little too much. She’s got Goofy and Mickey and half a dozen other small furry things dangling from her keitai. She makes funny faces and uses baby talk and all her clothes are some shade of pink. She giggles every time you touch her and she still lives at home with her parents, her grandparents, her cute dog, (whom she shows you a picture of every single time you get together), and she shares a bedroom with her 12 year old brother. She has an 11 o’clock curfew, and she works 7 days a week, plus she volunteers at the local animal shelter. She lives in Gifu, but has no car. Her best friend is her friend from first grade and they go EVERYWHERE together, and, they dress exactly alikefontfontfontfont